How Believing in People Can Change Them

Last summer, I did something unusual. I started treating my friend Clara as if she had already become the person she wanted to be. Clara was always late – by half an hour, an hour; sometimes she simply forgot about meetings. I stopped reminding her about it, stopped sighing when she appeared with a guilty smile. Instead, I said: «You always value our time together.» Just like that. As if it were true.

A month later, Clara started arriving on time.

I didn't plan an experiment. I was just tired of every meeting starting with my irritation and her apologies. And then I thought: what if I pretend? What if I act as if everything between us is already fine?

It worked. And it scared me.

Placebo Effect in Relationships, Not Just for Health

Placebo Not Just for the Body

We are used to thinking of the placebo effect as something medical. A dummy instead of a tablet, a sugar pill that somehow encourages healing. But in recent years, psychologists have been saying more often that the placebo works not only regarding our bodies but also in relationships.

When we behave as if a person already possesses a certain quality – reliability, kindness, responsibility – they begin to manifest that quality. Not always, not with everyone. But often enough that it ceases to be a coincidence.

I remembered this when I was reading a study by Austrian psychologists from the University of Vienna, published in 2024. They studied how one partner's expectations affect the other's behavior in long-term relationships. It turned out that if a person sincerely believes their partner is capable of changing (becoming more attentive, open, caring), the probability of real change increases almost twofold.

Almost twofold. Just because someone believed.

The Pygmalion Effect: Our Expectations Shape Reality

A Mirror That Shows the Future

In psychology, this is called the «Pygmalion effect» or «self-fulfilling prophecy». The essence is simple: our expectations shape reality. When a teacher believes a child is talented, the child actually begins to learn better. When a boss treats an employee like a professional, they start working more professionally.

But in close relationships, it works differently. There are no formal roles, no evaluations, and no job descriptions. There is only how we look at each other. And that gaze is an incredibly powerful thing.

I remember how lost I felt in the first months after moving to Vienna. A new city, a new language, the feeling that I was constantly doing something wrong. And there was one woman in the coffee shop on the corner – Martha, the owner. She always greeted me as if I were an old acquaintance. As if I already belonged. She didn't ask how I was doing – she asked how my walk through the Prater went or if I managed to find that bookshop we talked about.

She treated me like a person who had already settled in. And I began to settle in.

The Mechanics of Trust and Belief

The Mechanics of Faith

When I worked as a therapist, I was taught to maintain neutrality. Not to project my own expectations onto clients. Not to impose the image of a «proper» person on them. And this was important – a person had to find their own path, not walk mine.

But in ordinary life, we cannot be neutral. We always carry an image of the other within us – how we see them, how we want to see them, how we are afraid to see them. And this image influences our behavior. We send hundreds of micro-signals: through intonation, a gaze, a pause, a choice of words.

If I expect a person to let me down, I unconsciously behave guardedly. My voice becomes a little colder, my smile – a little more strained. I ask questions with slight distrust: «You'll definitely come»? And the person reads this. They feel they aren't trusted. And – paradoxically – this undermines their motivation to justify that trust.

Now, the other way around. If I act as if the person is already reliable, my voice is relaxed. I say: «See you at seven», without a questioning intonation. I don't check my phone every five minutes. I simply wait. And the person feels this. They feel that they are believed in. And this creates a space in which it is easier to become the one who is believed in.

Personal Experiments: Applying the Placebo Effect

When I Imagined

After the story with Clara, I started noticing this everywhere. In a store on Mariahilferstrasse, the seller was always gloomy and untalkative. I decided to try. I started greeting him as if he were the friendliest person in the district. With a smile. With lightness. Not strained, but exactly as if there were already some warm connection between us.

The first week, nothing changed. He nodded and looked past me. The second week too. But on the third, he suddenly asked if I had found the coffee variety I was looking for last time. I didn't even immediately realize he was speaking to me.

It was a tiny change. But it was there.

I began experimenting more cautiously. With my brother, who never called first. With a colleague who always forgot to reply to emails. With a neighbor who always frowned in the elevator. I acted as if they were already the way I felt they wanted to be: caring, attentive, open.

It didn't always work. Sometimes people simply didn't notice my signals. Sometimes I lacked sincerity myself – I felt like I was playing a role, and that was readable. But when it worked, it was like a small miracle.

Belief vs Manipulation: Understanding the Difference

The Boundary Between Faith and Manipulation

Somewhere around the fourth month of my experiments, I felt anxiety. Am I pretending? Manipulating? Forcing people to be how I want to see them?

This question gave me no peace for several weeks. I reread articles, thought, talked to myself in the kitchen over chamomile tea. And I realized: the difference is in the intention.

Manipulation is when I behave in a certain way to get something for myself. To make the person convenient. To stop them from annoying me. To make them meet my expectations.

But what I was doing was different. I was trying to see within the person who they want to be. Not who I want to make them, but who they themselves strive to become. Clara didn't want to be late – she felt guilty every time. The seller in the store didn't want to be gloomy – simply no one gave him a chance to be otherwise. My brother didn't want to be indifferent – he just didn't know his calls were important.

Placebo in relationships works not when we impose our image on a person. It works when we help them become themselves – that version of themselves they want to be, but are currently afraid to be.

Research on Trust: Neurobiology and Behavior

Research and the Neurobiology of Trust

In 2025, a study by a group of neuropsychologists from Zurich was released, examining how trust affects brain activity. Participants in the experiment were given tasks in pairs. In one group, partners received information in advance that their teammate was a «very reliable person». In the other – there was no information.

Results showed that in people who considered their partner reliable, activity in the prefrontal cortex (the zone responsible for planning and decision-making) was significantly higher. They acted more confidently, made more complex decisions, and handled tasks better. And – most interestingly – their partners also began to act more responsibly, even without knowing they were considered reliable.

Trust is transmitted without words. We read it at the body level: by how a person stands, how they breathe, how they hold a pause. And when we are trusted, our brain literally rewires itself. We start acting differently.

When the Placebo Effect in Relationships Fails

Where It Doesn't Work

It is important to also mention where the placebo effect in relationships is powerless.

It doesn't work if the person doesn't want to change. If they are comfortable in their role – irresponsible, cold, detached. If their behavior is not a result of insecurity, but a conscious choice.

It doesn't work in relationships where there is no basic respect. Where one person perceives the other as an object, not as a subject. Where there is no space for reciprocity.

It doesn't work if my faith is self-deception. If I am trying to convince myself that a person is good, ignoring obvious red flags. That is not a placebo – that is a denial of reality.

A placebo in relationships is not a magic pill. It is an invitation. But one must respond to it.

Personal Transformation: How I Changed

When I Stopped Pretending

About six months later, I noticed I was no longer pretending. Clara really started coming on time, and I no longer thought of it as a miracle. It just became a fact. My brother started calling once a week, and that too ceased to be something special – it became the norm.

And I also noticed that I had changed myself. I became softer. I expect a catch less. I defend myself less in advance. And this, as it turns out, is also part of the placebo effect. When we act as if the people around us are worthy of trust, we ourselves become more open, more alive.

Recently, I met Clara at a cafe. We ordered coffee, and she said: «You know, I don't understand what changed, but in recent months it's become easier for me. With you. With others. As if I finally became who I wanted to be».

I smiled and didn't answer. Because, perhaps, the most important thing about the placebo effect is that it works best when it remains invisible.

Faith as a Catalyst for Change

Faith as Space

I think the placebo effect in relationships works not because we deceive someone or ourselves. It works because it creates space. Space in which a person can try being different. Where they are not locked into the image that has formed about them. Where they can make mistakes, grow, change.

We are all slightly stuck in how we are seen. In the expectations of parents, partners, colleagues, friends. Sometimes one person who looks at us differently is enough. Who sees not who we were, but who we can become.

And this is not deception. It is an act of faith. And faith is a strange thing. It doesn't require proof. It just exists. And sometimes it is enough for something to change.

What This Experience Taught Me About Myself

What I Understood About Myself

This experience taught me not only how to influence others. It taught me how I myself want to be influenced.

I want people around me to see in me not just who I am now. I want them to also see who I am trying to become. To give me space for that. Not to lock me in the framework of past mistakes.

And if I want this for myself, then probably others want the same.

We all need someone who will believe in us before we manage to believe ourselves. Who will act as if we have already coped, even though we are still just trying. Who will create that strange, fragile space where one can become better.

The Power of Belief in Everyday Life

Little Miracles

Now, in February 2026, I am still living in Vienna. Still drinking chamomile tea. Still going to the same coffee shop where Martha now welcomes me like family. And I am still experimenting with this strange placebo effect in relationships.

It doesn't always work out. Sometimes I forget myself and return to old patterns – to mistrust, to irritation, to expecting the worst. But I notice it faster. And I return. To that way of looking at people that gives them a chance.

Maybe this is real empathy. Not when I understand what you feel. But when I see who you can be. And I act as if you are already on the way.

This doesn't make me a saint. I still get irritated, disappointed, tired. But I know: sometimes it's enough to simply imagine that everything is fine. And sooner or later, that will cease to be an imagination.

We are all a little crazy, really. And we all need someone to believe in us when we don't believe ourselves. Maybe this is love – in the broadest sense. Not when we love someone for who they are. But when we love them for who they are trying to become.

And we give them space for this. Again and again. Until one day the imagination becomes the truth.