Yesterday, at the table next to mine in a cafe, sat a couple. He looked about thirty-five, she – a little younger. They were scrolling through something on a phone, showing each other apartments. «Maybe this one? Or should we wait another year?» she asked. He shrugged: «I don't know. It feels like we aren't ready yet.»
I thought to myself: by their age, my mother already had two children, a mortgage, and an exact idea of what her life would be like at fifty. And these two are still deciding. And you know, there is nothing strange about that. Because thirty today is nothing like thirty was thirty years ago.
We live in an era where growing up has stretched out. As if someone took the familiar timeline of life and smeared it across time, adding air between the stages. What used to fit into twenty-five years – education, work, family, children – now takes thirty-five, or even forty. And this isn't about laziness or infantilism. It's about the world changing faster than our ideas of the «right» age for anything whatsoever.
When does «real» adulthood begin?
Psychologists long believed that the transition to adult life concludes by twenty-five. It was a sort of boundary: you got an education, found a job, started a family – done, you're an adult. But in the last twenty years, this boundary has begun to blur.
In the early two-thousands, American psychologist Jeffrey Arnett proposed the term «emerging adulthood» – the period between eighteen and twenty-nine, when a person is no longer a teenager but not yet fully an adult in the traditional sense. It is a time of experiments, searches, trials, and errors. A time when you can allow yourself not to know for sure.
But what if this «emerging adulthood» now lasts not until thirty, but until thirty-five? Or even longer?
Look at the statistics. In European countries, the average age of entering a first marriage is now around thirty-three for men and thirty-one for women. The birth of the first child – thirty to thirty-two. Buying one's own home – if it happens at all – is often postponed until the mid-thirties.
This isn't an anomaly. It is the new normal.
Когда начинается «настоящая» взрослость
Why aren't we rushing anymore?
There are several reasons, and they intertwine like the roots of an old tree.
Economic instability. Let's start with the obvious: life has become more expensive. Education, housing, even just maintaining a decent standard of living requires more resources than a generation ago. If in the seventies one could leave university, find a stable job, and buy an apartment in a few years, now this path looks almost unattainable.
Young people live with their parents longer not because it's convenient for them, but because renting swallows half their salary. They postpone children not because they don't want them, but because they don't feel financially stable. When the future is foggy, it's hard to make decisions for decades ahead.
An abundance of choice. Never before have people had so many options. There are thousands of professions. Hundreds of cities around the world to live in. Partners can be found not just in your own neighborhood, but on the other end of the country or continent. You can get an education online, change careers at thirty-five, move at forty.
This sounds like freedom. And it truly is freedom. But freedom has a flip side: the fear of making a mistake. When options are few, choosing comes easier. When they are infinitely many, every decision seems insufficiently weighed. «What if I chose the wrong profession? What if I could meet someone better? What if I regret this in five years»?
We have become a generation that thinks longer. This isn't weakness. It's an attempt not to miss the mark.
Shifted priorities. Previously, growing up was linear: school, university, work, marriage, children. The stages followed one another like train cars. Today, this line has scattered into separate elements that can be assembled in any order.
Someone travels first, then studies, then finds a job, then – maybe – thinks about a family. Someone builds a career until thirty-five, and then decides to change everything and pursue art. Someone has children at twenty-five, someone at forty, and someone doesn't have them at all.
Society has become more tolerant of different trajectories. This means the pressure «to do everything on time» has weakened. We are no longer obliged to meet other people's expectations. But this also means we have to decide for ourselves what is important to us. And that is harder than it seems.
Почему мы больше никуда не торопимся
Thirty as the new teenage years?
There is a temptation to call this infantilism. To say: look, people don't want to grow up, they hide from responsibility, living in eternal youth. But that would be too simple.
Yes, modern thirty-year-olds are indeed similar to teenagers in some ways. They are searching for themselves. Experimenting. Still not sure who they want to be. But the difference is that teenagers do this instinctively, chaotically, without thinking about the consequences. People in their thirties do this consciously.
They are not avoiding adulthood. They are trying to find their own version of adulthood.
Because the old model – a job for life, marriage forever, a house in the suburbs, two kids – has stopped working for many. It isn't bad. It just isn't universal. And if deviating from it used to be difficult, now it is possible. But that means you need to invent your own path. And that takes time.
Look at the people around you. How many of them are still changing professions at thirty-five? How many are re-evaluating relationships? How many are asking themselves questions that their parents resolved at twenty-five and never returned to?
This isn't a sign of immaturity. It is a sign that life has become more complex, more variable, more demanding of awareness.
Тридцать лет как новый подростковый возраст
Crisis or norm?
We are used to calling this a «crisis». The crisis of thirty. The midlife crisis. Identity crisis. The word «crisis» itself sounds like something that needs to be overcome, survived, cured.
But what if this isn't a crisis, but simply a new stage of development?
After all, adolescence didn't exist as a separate category once, either. In the nineteenth century, people transitioned from childhood to adult life almost instantly: at fourteen or fifteen, they started working, marrying, bearing children. The concept of a «teenager» appeared only in the twentieth century, when society became wealthier and could afford to delay the full entry of young people into the economy.
The same thing is happening now, but on a different level. We live longer, we have more resources, more opportunities. And another stage appears – between youth and maturity. A stage when one can try, make mistakes, search.
Maybe, instead of calling this a crisis, we should admit: we live in an era where growing up has ceased to be a sprint and has become a marathon.
Кризис или новая стадия развития
What does this mean for us?
If you are thirty and still unsure what you want to do, that is normal. If you are thirty-five and only starting to think about a family, that is normal. If you are forty and changing your profession, that is also normal.
There is no right age for anything whatsoever. There is only your age and your path.
But there is a flip side. When there are no external landmarks, it is easy to get lost. It is easy to get stuck in an endless search, in the illusion that the perfect moment is still ahead. It is easy to put off decisions, fearing a mistake.
Freedom of choice demands greater inner clarity from us. We need to learn to listen to ourselves, not others' opinions. We need to acknowledge our desires, even if they don't fit into standard frames. We need to make decisions, understanding that any decision is a risk, but the absence of decisions is also a risk.
Что это значит для нас
Small steps instead of big jumps
Do you know what I like about observing people? How often they overestimate the importance of one big choice – and underestimate the significance of small daily steps.
«I need to decide who I want to be» – this is frightening. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and thinking whether to jump or not. But life rarely works like that. More often, it consists of hundreds of tiny choices. You try one thing, then another. You like something, you don't like something else. Gradually, a picture emerges.
An acquaintance of mine worked as a bank manager at thirty-two. He hated it but didn't know what else he could do. He decided to try photography in the evenings – just for himself. A year later, he got his first orders. Another year later, he quit and opened a studio. Now he is thirty-eight, and he says that only now does he feel he has found his place.
He didn't need one big moment of epiphany. He needed small steps, each of which was not scary on its own.
It is the same with relationships, with children, with any important things. We think we must first «grow up», «understand», «prepare» – and only then make a decision. But often everything happens in reverse: the decision is made, and understanding comes in the process.
Маленькие шаги вместо больших прыжков
The quiet power of uncertainty
There is something strangely comforting about not knowing for sure.
I've thought about this for a long time. Why do I sometimes feel calmer with people who say «I'm not sure» than with those who claim «I know exactly how it should be»? Probably because uncertainty is honesty. It is an admission that life is complex, that not all questions have unambiguous answers, that one can move forward even without seeing the finish line.
When you are twenty, it seems that by thirty everything should fall into place. Then you are thirty, and you think: well, okay, by forty for sure. But the secret is that the moment when «everything is in its place» might never come. And that is normal.
Because life is not a puzzle where you need to find all the pieces and put them into a perfect picture. It is rather a river: it flows, changes direction, bends around obstacles, spreads out, narrows. The main thing is not to stop.
Тихая сила неопределенности
What do studies say?
Scientists studying adult development note that the brain continues to form even after twenty-five. The prefrontal cortex – the part responsible for planning, decision-making, and impulse control – fully matures around age thirty. And this means that, in some sense, we are physiologically not ready for full adulthood any earlier.
Studies also show that people who tried different professions, lived in different cities, and experimented with lifestyles in their youth often turn out to be more satisfied with their choices in the long run. Because they chose consciously, not by inertia.
Of course, there is a downside. Searches that are too long can lead to a person never finding their footing. Or getting stuck in a state of eternal «not ready yet». But this doesn't mean we need to hurry. It means it is important to be honest with yourself: are you really searching, or are you just hiding?
Что говорят исследования
A generation that chooses slower
Sometimes I think: what if our generation simply learned something important? We saw our parents work at the same place all their lives and eventually burn out. Saw how they preserved marriages «for the sake of the children» and were unhappy. Saw how they lived by rules someone else wrote for them.
And we thought: can it be done differently?
Can we build a life not by a template, but by feeling? Can we change decisions if they stop working? Can we admit mistakes and start over?
It turned out – we can. But it takes time. And courage. And a willingness to live in uncertainty.
We have become a generation that chooses slower. Not because we are cowardly. But because we want to choose right. For ourselves, not for someone else.
Поколение, которое выбирает медленнее
What next?
Sitting in the same cafe the next day, I saw that couple again. They ordered coffee and spread papers out on the table. He was drawing something on a sheet, she was nodding attentively. They were discussing plans, laughing, arguing. And at some moment I thought: here they are – adults. Not because they decided everything in advance, but because they are trying to figure it out. Together. At their own pace.
Maybe our generation really does grow up slower. But perhaps we simply grow up differently. Not by others' rules, but by our own. Not because we are supposed to, but because we feel it.
And if thirty is the new teenage age, then so be it. Let it be a time when you can search, try, make mistakes. A time when it isn't necessary to know all the answers. A time when you can simply go – somewhere, for some reason, somehow.
The main thing is to go.
Look at the light falling on the table before you. How it changes from minute to minute. How it doesn't rush to be perfect. It just is, here and now. Maybe it's the same with life.
