Last week, I was standing in line at a Viennese coffee shop, and the woman in front of me was telling off the barista for messing up her order. Her voice was sharp, her words stinging. And I caught myself thinking: «God, how rude she is. Is it really so hard to just calmly ask him to remake it?»
I smiled sympathetically at the barista. I felt like a good person. Kind. Understanding.
But later that evening, when I was replaying the scene in my head (yes, I'm that kind of person – I relive other people's moments on a loop), it hit me. How do I know what's going on in that woman's life? Maybe she just found out a loved one is sick. Maybe she hasn't slept in three days. Maybe she has a monstrous headache, and that coffee was her last hope to make it through the evening.
But I didn't think about that. I simply passed a verdict: she is bad, I am good.
And then I asked myself a question that hasn't let me go since: why do we love doing this so much?
Why We Judge Others: The Role of Social Verdicts
We Are All Jurors in Other People's Trials
Remember how in childhood parents used to say: «Judge not, lest ye be judged»? I remember. And I honestly tried to follow that rule. But the truth is, we all judge. Constantly. Automatically.
We look at a colleague who didn't wash their mug in the office kitchen and think: «What an egoist.» We see a neighbor walking their dog without a leash and whisper to ourselves: «Irresponsible.» We read a story in the news about a person who lied to their loved ones and confidently conclude: «I would never do that.»
But the most interesting thing isn't that we do it. The most interesting thing is why we like it so much.
Because, let's be honest: when we judge someone, we feel better. It's as if we step up a level higher. We separate ourselves from the «bad» people and automatically become the «good» ones. It's pleasant. It gives us a sense of moral solidity and righteousness.
And also, it is very, very simple.
Observing My Own Tendency to Judge People
When I Started Watching Myself
After that incident in the coffee shop, I decided to run an experiment. For a week, I simply tracked how often I judged people. Not out loud – inside myself. those fast, almost imperceptible thoughts-evaluations that race through your head before you even have time to realize them.
You know what I discovered? I do it almost constantly.
A girl on the subway is talking loudly on the phone – I'm already frowning. A man on a bicycle rides through a red light – I shake my head. A friend tells me how she was rude to someone in an argument – I mentally note: «She's too harsh».
And the scariest part is – I was doing it so fast I didn't even notice. It was autopilot. My internal evaluation system was working at full capacity, handing out labels left and right.
But when I started to slow down and ask myself: «But why did I decide that»? – everything became more complicated.
Because often I didn't have an answer. Or the answer was vague: «Well, people just don't do that». «It's wrong.» «If I were in her place, I would have acted differently.»
But I am not in her place. I don't know her context, her story, her pain. I am simply... a judge. From a comfortable distance.
Psychological Reasons Behind Our Urge to Judge
Why We Want to Judge So Much
I think it comes down to a few things, and they are all very human.
First, it gives us an illusion of control. The world is chaotic and unpredictable. People do strange, sometimes terrible things. And when we at least understand who is «good» and who is «bad», it seems to us that we can navigate this world. That we can protect ourselves. That we know how to behave so as not to be «like them».
Second, it reinforces our identity. When I judge that woman in the coffee shop for rudeness, I am simultaneously telling myself: «I'm not like that. I am well-mannered. I am kind». It's like an invisible boundary between me and the rest. And this boundary makes me special. Better.
Third, it is social glue. We judge together. It brings us closer. When a friend and I discuss how terribly a mutual acquaintance acted, we create an alliance. We are on one side of the barricades, he is on the other. It gives a sense of belonging.
And all of this works instantly, without our conscious participation. We just look at a person, at their action – and somewhere deep inside, the verdict is already ready.
But here is what I realized during this week of observation: when we judge others, we are actually saying a lot about ourselves.
Judging Others as a Reflection of Ourselves
The Mirror We Don't Want to Look Into
There is such a thing in psychology called projection. When we see in others those qualities that we do not accept in ourselves. Or vice versa – when we are especially strict about what we struggle with ourselves.
I noticed this on the third day of the experiment.
I was reading a post on social media where a person was sharing their doubts. At length and in detail. And I caught myself feeling irritated: «Whining again. Everyone complains instead of changing something».
And then I stopped. And honestly asked myself: «And what do I do myself when I feel bad?»
And you know what? I complain too. I also talk through my doubts. I just call it «analysis» and «self-reflection». But when someone else does it – it's «whining».
Double standards? More than.
Or take this: I am always especially strict with people who are late. It irritates me insanely. «Disrespect for other people's time», I think. But if I dig deeper, I myself am sometimes late. And every time afterward, I scold myself, I feel guilt. So, by judging someone for lateness, I am actually judging that part of myself that I do not accept.
We judge others for what we haven't forgiven ourselves for.
And this is painful to admit, because it turns out that my judgment isn't about others. It's about me. About my fears, complexes, unforgiven mistakes.
The Fundamental Attribution Error: Forgetting Context
Why We Forget Context
When I think about my own actions, I always remember the context. If I was rude to someone, I know I was exhausted. If I forgot to call back – I know I had a hellish day. If I ate the whole chocolate bar instead of going to the gym – I understand that I was sad, and I was looking for comfort.
I cut myself some slack. I understand that I am a complex, multifaceted personality, and my actions are not the entirety of me.
But with other people, we do the opposite. We see only the action. And by this action, we judge the whole person.
Psychologists call this the «fundamental attribution error». It sounds complex, but the essence is simple: when we explain others' behavior, we write everything off on their character («he is rude», «she is irresponsible»). But when we explain our own – we write it off on circumstances («I had a hard day», «I didn't know»).
I caught myself doing this on the fifth day.
A man passed me on the street and bumped my shoulder. He didn't apologize. Just kept walking. And my first thought: «Boor».
And then I imagined what could be happening in his life. Maybe he just lost his job. Maybe he was rushing to the hospital to someone. Maybe he was so immersed in thought that he didn't even notice me.
I don't know. And I never will know. But for some reason, it was easier for me to make a conclusion about his character than to allow that he might have reasons.
Because context requires effort. Empathy. Imagination. But judgment is fast, simple, and pleasant.
The Challenge of Stopping Judgment and Embracing Observation
When I Tried to Stop
On the sixth day, I decided to try not to judge. Just observe.
It turned out to be incredibly difficult.
Because our brain is wired for quick evaluations. It's an evolutionary thing – to understand who is friend and who is foe, who is safe and who is dangerous. And this system still works, even when we aren't on the savanna, but in the Vienna metro.
But when I caught myself on another judgment and gently said to myself: «Stop. Just observe. Don't evaluate», – something changed.
I started seeing people differently. Not as characters in my internal theater, where I am the chief critic, but as separate universes. With their own pains, joys, fears.
That woman in the coffee shop stopped being «rude». She became simply a person who, perhaps, was having a hard day. The man who pushed me stopped being a «boor». He became a person who was rushing.
And do you know what I felt? Relief.
Because judging is work. It is tension. Constant comparing, evaluating, assigning scores. But when you just look at people without judgments, it becomes lighter. Softer. Freer.
How Judging Others Reflects on Our Morality
What This Says About Our Morality
We like to think that our morality is something solid. Unshakable. That we know exactly what is right and what isn't. And when someone breaks our rules, we have the right to judge.
But over this week, I realized: our morality is much more flexible than we think.
Because we judge selectively. We are strict with some people and lenient with others. We forgive some actions and brand others – depending on who committed them.
If my friend lies, I'll think: «He probably had reasons». If a stranger lies – he is already a «liar». If I break a promise – it's «circumstances». If someone else does – it's «irresponsibility».
Our morality is not an objective coordinate system. It is a living, breathing thing, depending on our emotions, experience, relationships. And the more honestly we admit this to ourselves, the less we will hide behind loud words about «right» and «wrong».
Because the truth is that we all make mistakes. We all sometimes are rude, are late, lie, let others down. And we all need leniency. Understanding. To be seen as a whole, and not just by a single action.
Key Discoveries from a Week of Self-Observation
What I Realized by the End of the Week
By the seventh day, I was tired. Not of people, but of myself. Of the constant observation of my thoughts, of catching judgments, of attempts to be honest.
But I realized something important.
When we judge others, we are defending ourselves. From our own vulnerability. From admitting that we, too, are imperfect. From the scary truth that the boundary between «good» and «bad» people is so thin that it almost doesn't exist.
We are all capable of rudeness when we are in pain. All capable of selfishness when we are tired. All capable of mistakes when we can't cope.
And when I look at someone and think: «How could he do that»? – the honest answer is often this: «I could too. Under different circumstances. Were I in his place».
And that is frightening. Because it destroys the illusion that we are on this side of the barricades, and all the bad people are on that side. The truth is that there are no barricades. There are just people. Complex, contradictory, trying to survive in this world as best they can.
Cultivating Empathy and Understanding: Can We Change How We Judge People?
Can This Change Anything?
I don't think I'll stop judging. It is wired too deeply into how my brain works.
But I can notice it. I can stop. I can ask myself: «But what if I don't know the whole story»?
And, maybe, sometimes, instead of passing a verdict, I will simply choose softness. Not because the person deserves it – I don't know if they deserve it. But because softness is what I myself want from the world.
Because someday it will be me. Rude in a coffee shop because I haven't slept. Late because I got bogged down in my problems. Insensitive because I'm exhausted. And I would really like for someone then to look at me and think: «She's probably just having a hard day.»
We are all a little crazy. All imperfect. All trying to figure it out. And, maybe, instead of judging each other, we could just... be a little kinder.
Even if it's difficult. Even if it requires effort.
Because actually – especially if it requires effort.
See you soon. And remember: the next time you judge someone, it might just be a mirror. Look in there. Perhaps you'll see something important.
